I’ll Be Over Here, Sucking My Thumb
Wallflowers have a hard time of it. No matter how wonderful the room, how sweet the people in it, those of us who have people issues will always, ALWAYS find a corner and hide. I have such fear that I will expose my weaknesses or hurt somebody’s feelings that I will turn tail and run if it becomes too difficult to keep my mouth shut.
I have a pretty low threshold for human contact. I do have certain people in my life whose presence raises that threshold considerably – human security blankets, if you will – so that if one of them is in the room with me, I can just lock eyes and feel calmed. If I am left in a crowd, I am utterly undone, and that haze across the center of the room will be my dust. You know, what I leave behind in my haste to get OUT. THAT dust.
So tonight I was among friends, having a relatively good time, when a couple of triggers were pulled. One, I was reminded of the quagmire we are in politically right now, and of the knowledge that I may very well wind up in jail for standing up for what I believe in if this administration isn’t stopped. My cats will have to feed themselves. Two, I was reminded that I have no legacy. I lost the last of a generation of family yesterday, and now I will have to wait for Heaven to get some answers I’ve needed for a long time. Truth is, though, I am the end of the genetic line for my ‘rents, with no children to give that knowledge, so what’s the loss?
Three, well, my security blanket left. I realized the instant the door closed I was in a room full of people I really enjoy but that I had had enough. I wanted to punch one of them in the mouth to shut her up, but that’s another story. My social temperature went from a comfortable 72 to 106 in 15 seconds, and I had to get out. Thinking back on the evening, needs-punching-girl was actually Trigger One, and if she hadn’t been there, I probably would have stayed and enjoyed myself. I couldn’t hurt her feelings and make an arse of myself, though, so I cried all the way home instead. It’s such a blessing to be a social moron.
If you need me, I’ll be sitting here on the sofa in the dark, covered in cats.
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